Author Topic: Jokes Thread  (Read 2290 times)

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Pippa

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Jokes Thread
« on: December 30, 2013, 07:54:10 PM »
1) You can GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you'll do that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.
« Last Edit: November 29, 2017, 09:22:07 PM by Pippa »

Pippa

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What Men Really Mean
« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2013, 07:56:16 PM »
"It's a guy thing." Really means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means "I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late." Really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means "Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie." Really means "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"That's women's work." Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." "Really means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you." Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
« Last Edit: November 29, 2017, 09:20:38 PM by Pippa »

Grumpy Grandma

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Re: Twenty Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Whoopee
« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2013, 08:02:55 PM »
Very funny  :biggrin: and true.

Grumpy Grandma

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Re: What Men Really Mean
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2013, 08:04:16 PM »
I have one that comes out with lines like that  >:D

Grumpy Grandma

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TURKEY LEFTOVERS
« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2013, 08:32:39 PM »
TURKEY LEFTOVERS
By W. Bruce Cameron

Like many men, I am different from my wife in ways, which are noticeable, and, in my opinion, fortunate.

Take the Thanksgiving turkey. (And I mean that literally. PLEASE come over to our house, open the refrigerator, shove aside everything growing green fuzz, and take this carcass away before it reincarnates as turkey lasagna or turkey tetracycline or whatever new concoction awaits the family.)  But take Thanksgiving--my wife prefers small birds that fit nicely into the roasting pan and which can be cooked in a few hours.

"Ha!" I can be quoted as sneering. I trace my own gender lineage to that proud, hairy group of hunter-gatherers who, prior to the invention of TV remote control, would take their spears and go pull down a huge bison for dinner, stopping at the bar on the way home for a couple of cave brews. So when I go to the store for a turkey, I find a TURKEY: a Jurassic, many-pound fowl with drum sticks as large as my thighs and wings you could park a car under.

Words cannot describe the delight on my wife's face when my neighbors help me carry the bird into the refrigerator, where, following the instructions, it is left to thaw for a period of six months.  (My wife often has several interesting but impractical suggestions on where else we might stick the turkey for this thawing procedure.) Cooking begins around Halloween, a slow roasting process which varies from my mother's recipe in that there are no flames or threats of divorce "if anybody says a word about how the turkey tastes."

I enjoy every step of turkey preparation, particularly since I am not involved in any of it. Well, that's not entirely true--at one point, I am asked to reach into the mouth of the turkey and retrieve the giblets, which turns out to be a bag of what looks like pieces of Jimmy Hoffa. (I realize I am not, technically speaking, putting my hand in the bird's "mouth," but I'd rather not dwell on what this means.) How the turkey manages to swallow this stuff in the first place is beyond me. Traditionally, we open this bag, dump the contents into a pan of water, and boil the results. Only the cat is happy about this development.

As wonderful as this all is, by the fourth or fifth night my appetite for turkey variations has waned, and I provide valuable feedback to my wife by making gagging noises at dinner time.  Her verbal (as opposed to projectile) response to this is to imply that it is somehow MY fault we have so many leftovers, to which I logically reply, "hey, YOU cooked it."

Now, before you men out there become too smug with how adroitly I out maneuvered her with my quick retort, you should be advised that she STILL blames me for our turkey-induced bulimia. Therefore I appeal to my readership: has anyone else noticed bizarre psychiatric spousal reactions to turkey consumption which might explain this whole controversy? Please advise via return e-mail, which will be picked up by the crack WBC technical team and, judging by previous results, forwarded to the Governor of New Jersey.

Grumpy Grandma

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CHRISTMAS KNOCK-KNOCKS
« Reply #5 on: December 31, 2013, 08:34:08 PM »
CHRISTMAS KNOCK-KNOCKS

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger...!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open till Christmas!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avery
Avery who?
Avery merry Christmas!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rudolph
Rudolph who?
Money is the Rudolph all evil!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

Pippa

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Re: CHRISTMAS KNOCK-KNOCKS
« Reply #6 on: December 31, 2013, 10:32:14 PM »
 :rofl:

Pippa

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Re: TURKEY LEFTOVERS
« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2013, 10:32:49 PM »
Good one  :biggrin:

Pippa

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Jokes thread
« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2017, 09:12:03 PM »
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.  During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.  "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"

"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

Pippa

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #9 on: December 30, 2017, 10:36:46 PM »
The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued: "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminded the other dinner guests that it's true what they say about teachers: "Those who can: do. Those who can't: teach."

To corroborate, he said to another guest: "You're a teacher, Susan," he said. "Be honest. What do you make?"

Susan, who had a reputation of honesty and frankness, replied, "You want to know what I make? I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I can make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor and an A- feel like a slap in the face if the student did not do his or her very best.  I can make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence. I can make parents tremble in fear when I call home. You want to know what else I make?  I make kids wonder. I make them question. I make them criticize. I make them apologize and mean it. I make them write. I make them read, read, read. I make them spell 'definitely' and 'beautiful' over and over again, until they will never misspell either one of those words again. I make them show all their work in math and hide it all on their final drafts in English. I elevate them to experience music and art and joy in the performance, so their lives are rich, full of kindness and culture, and they take pride in themselves and their accomplishments. I make them understand that if you have the brains, then follow your heart and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you pay them no attention.  You want to know what I make? I make a difference. And what do you make?"

Pippa

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #10 on: December 30, 2017, 10:40:26 PM »
John and Nancy, married for 40 years, planned a second wedding to renew their vows.  Nancy described to her friend the dress she would wear.  Nancy's friend asked, "What color shoes?"

Nancy replied, "Silver."

John chimed in: "Yep, silver to match her hair."

With a pointed look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said: "So, John, I guess you'll go barefoot."

Pippa

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #11 on: December 30, 2017, 10:50:09 PM »
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.  Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, not yet, you have another 43 years, 2 hours and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.  After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.  Arriving in the presence of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "My child, I am sorry, but I didn't recognize you!"

Kranky Kat

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Re: Jokes Thread
« Reply #12 on: December 31, 2017, 11:10:33 PM »
While eating at an outdoor cafe in the historic district, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer.  The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece. After finishing his meal, we went up to the owner and offered him two dollars for the cat.  "It's not for sale," said the owner.

"Now, now" said the collector, "that cat is just ugly and no one would want it, but I'm eccentric. I like to help out underprivileged animals. I'll raise my offer to five dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor with a smile, and pocketed the five on the spot.

"For that amount I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The little kitten seems so content drinking from it."

"No way," said the owner. "That's my lucky saucer. I've already sold 26 cats so far this week drinking from it!"